Many years ago
I read a good book called The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. The gest
of it was how children need their parent’s unconditional love and approval in
order to form healthy relationships as they grow into adults. Integral to this approval are elements of the
blessing that need to occur in the young life of every child with the parent
offering significant words and actions that communicate to the child their
worth. I was fortunate
to have received a blessing from my father however I am well aware that many have
not and each year find themselves reluctantly heading into another Father’s Day
with ambivalent feelings.
So to daughters
and sons and fathers of all types, I offer two reflections. The first is what I am calling My Dad-My Hero
and the focus is on what I have seen as qualities in a man that rocket them
from ordinary father to being the type of dad every kid wants. The second I am calling My Dad-My Work in
Process. This speaks about our need, and
that includes every one of us, to be blessed by our father. If we have been lucky enough to have been
blessed, we been lucky enough. If not,
Father Ron Rolheiser’s article has a wonderful suggestion on what we can now do
to begin the healing of that wound.
MY DAD – MY
HERO
I have had the
pleasure of watching my husband be a father for 28 years. In those years, there have been many
activities that would qualify him for the “Dad of the Year” award. However I want to highlight a few of the characteristics
that have been consistent throughout the raising of our two children which I
believe have launched him into hero status.
Priorities:
Tom’s priorities
have always been #1 God #2 Wife and
family #3 Work.
Although he has owned and run his own business most of his life, he
doesn’t confuse these priorities. He
takes time each day to pray and to ask God to make him the man, husband, father
and employer God wants him to be. There
is no doubt in his mind or in mine or others who are around us that Tom loves
and supports me and his family. It is
said that the best thing a husband can do for his children is to love their
mother. Tom lives this day in and day
out.
Faith-filled:
We have a
prayer in our church that parents pray for their children at the Sacrament of
Baptism. https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ji6jrl9u7o44m90/AABbV83NuakXlCBq7ckurUVIa?dl=0When both Matt
and Kaitie (our children) were baptized, Tom listened to these words as they
were proclaimed for us and he took the words to heart. He desires to fulfil his sacred duty to pass
on the faith to our children. He never
misses Sunday Mass. They both have seen
Tom pray daily either in his favorite living room chair, at his desk, at the
kitchen table, with me and/or with them.
By word and example he has tried to lead them in the ways of
wisdom. Tom commends our children to
God regularly knowing that although we often talk about our kids as “ours” in
truth, they are God’s and pure gift to us.
Friend:
When we were
young parents, we attended a class put on by Charlie Langdon of Children’s Home
Society. One of the gems that he taught
us that has stayed with us for over 25 years is to always remember when
disciplining that our children will only be kids for less than 1/3 of our
relationship with them. He said to be
sure to treat them in such a way as to protect the more than 2/3 of the time we
will be interacting adult to adult. Tom
not only remembered that when disciplining; he has had that in the forefront of
this mind when he has chosen to enjoy time playing with them over making one
more sales call or when he took up snowboarding and wake boarding just because
that was what they were involved with.
Sometimes it is tricky to know when to be a parent and when to be a friend. Holding the balance is hero’s work.
Humility:
Our children
watch us at our best and when we trip up.
Tom has been consistent not only in voicing the value of humility but
consistently living both humbly and compassionately. In his own words written many years ago, “A
humble and compassionate person is a good person to be around. People aren’t usually hurt by humble and
compassionate people. I like to hang out
with people with these qualities. I like
to work with them and I like to live with them.”
Fathers who are
heros don’t just happen. They strive to
be humble, strike the balance between being a parent and a friend, are faith-filled
and they have their priorities in order.
They may not have these all together all the time but the man that aims
for these is definitely a hero and his children will rise up and call him
blessed.
MY DAD-OUR WORK
IN PROCESS
We are
responsible for our own health and happiness.
We can choose to travel with baggage or not. Have you ever noticed people at the airport
with a heavy bag hanging from one shoulder and dragging an over-stuffed
suitcase with the other hand? It’s difficult
for them to walk as opposed to the person with a light carry all that is
walking with ease. Journeying through
life baggage-free is the way to go!
Perhaps your relationship with your father and/or child hasn’t been
ideal. That brings pain, to be
sure. No one is disputing that. But your choice to stay in the place of
blame, anger, feelings of victimization, hurt, or longing is yours. You can begin to work on your unfinished
business even if the other party doesn’t choose to participate. You owe it to yourself to do this work until
you can put closure on the relationship and either enter it more fully or walk
away from it in peace. Father Ron
Rolheiser’s article is a fine place to begin.
My prayers are with you.
Keane, creator
of the Family Circus cartoon strip, tells of a time when he was penciling one
of his cartoons and his son, Jeffy said, “Daddy,
how do you know what to draw?” I said,
“God tells me.” Jeffy said, “Then why do
you keep erasing parts of it?”
I conclude with
this story because I believe we all have a father story worthy of honor. It has helped form us into the people we are
today. I urge us to resist the tendency
to do any erasing. In fact, my hope is
that this Father’s Day will be one in which we can be grateful for the lessens
we have learned, hard though some of them certainly are, from the men in our lives. May it be so.
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